Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
everything i'm not made me everything i am
i stare at this blinking cursor blankly, in hopes that something will come to me, but instead --
in my head the words are swirling tempestuously, needing freedom for survival. i feel lost inside my head. when i close my eyes, i see the scenes playing repeatedly as if they're from a movie: the black lines in between each clip pulling the reality apart by milliseconds.
the funny thing about life is that they always tell you to trust, to let yourself fall back. the reality is that it takes a strong, honest person to be there to catch you. human instinct automatically tells us to turn our backs on people. our instincts tell us that people, quite often, would do the same to us (even if they wouldn't at all). trusting people is futile and often completely worthless. maybe this is just my cynical heart speaking, but at any rate, telling anyone anything will get you in trouble. you are better off keeping what you think inside; the smarter person will always keep their thoughts in their heads.
my childhood taught me not to trust. my childhood told me to be secretive, to never allow myself to fully trust in someone else, to keep my guard up about almost everything. i am cowardly with an outer surface that says i want to be brave. i trusted in a family who always hid things from me. i trusted in friends who whispered behind my back. as a result, i don't trust as easily in people. i keep the things that are in my head in my head.
there's a part of me that wishes i could be more honest, more open about who i am, about my past, about my life. but how do i know that i can trust anyone? how can i know that i can trust the family that left me hanging?
my solution was lying. to my family, to my friends. i caught myself in the lies, tongue-tied behind the insecurities that i used as a disguise from the reality of my life. i lost control at a point in my life; i still catch myself every once in a while fibbing for absolutely no reason at all. it used to be just a mask. it used to be the tired "i'm fine, really i am" lie that quickly progressed into the "i have to do [so and so] with [so and so]" to hide the reality of what i was really doing. the lies kept going and going and going until i hit a breaking point that i couldn't control. i slowly realized the lies weren't cutting it anymore. i used to be good at lying; now, i'm an open book.
you especially played me for a fool. you made me feel as if i were the bad person in your life when, in reality, you were the one who consistently did the things you blamed me for. i was wrong a good percent of the time, but i admitted it.
the rest of you didn't help, either. lying to me about one of the worst events in my life? hiding things from me that you knew would hurt me -- to "protect" me? you are my family. as family, i know it's hard to accept when things aren't exactly right. but as family, you must understand that i have the capacity to accept the things that are coming my way. hiding them from me until the last second possible, hiding them from me as much as possible; that will never be the way to go about things.
i lost my faith in things when she died. i have yet to regain it back; my path is directionless. my heart is empty.
in my head the words are swirling tempestuously, needing freedom for survival. i feel lost inside my head. when i close my eyes, i see the scenes playing repeatedly as if they're from a movie: the black lines in between each clip pulling the reality apart by milliseconds.
the funny thing about life is that they always tell you to trust, to let yourself fall back. the reality is that it takes a strong, honest person to be there to catch you. human instinct automatically tells us to turn our backs on people. our instincts tell us that people, quite often, would do the same to us (even if they wouldn't at all). trusting people is futile and often completely worthless. maybe this is just my cynical heart speaking, but at any rate, telling anyone anything will get you in trouble. you are better off keeping what you think inside; the smarter person will always keep their thoughts in their heads.
my childhood taught me not to trust. my childhood told me to be secretive, to never allow myself to fully trust in someone else, to keep my guard up about almost everything. i am cowardly with an outer surface that says i want to be brave. i trusted in a family who always hid things from me. i trusted in friends who whispered behind my back. as a result, i don't trust as easily in people. i keep the things that are in my head in my head.
there's a part of me that wishes i could be more honest, more open about who i am, about my past, about my life. but how do i know that i can trust anyone? how can i know that i can trust the family that left me hanging?
my solution was lying. to my family, to my friends. i caught myself in the lies, tongue-tied behind the insecurities that i used as a disguise from the reality of my life. i lost control at a point in my life; i still catch myself every once in a while fibbing for absolutely no reason at all. it used to be just a mask. it used to be the tired "i'm fine, really i am" lie that quickly progressed into the "i have to do [so and so] with [so and so]" to hide the reality of what i was really doing. the lies kept going and going and going until i hit a breaking point that i couldn't control. i slowly realized the lies weren't cutting it anymore. i used to be good at lying; now, i'm an open book.
you especially played me for a fool. you made me feel as if i were the bad person in your life when, in reality, you were the one who consistently did the things you blamed me for. i was wrong a good percent of the time, but i admitted it.
the rest of you didn't help, either. lying to me about one of the worst events in my life? hiding things from me that you knew would hurt me -- to "protect" me? you are my family. as family, i know it's hard to accept when things aren't exactly right. but as family, you must understand that i have the capacity to accept the things that are coming my way. hiding them from me until the last second possible, hiding them from me as much as possible; that will never be the way to go about things.
i lost my faith in things when she died. i have yet to regain it back; my path is directionless. my heart is empty.
Friday, November 23, 2007
memories
have you ever seen pictures from a few years back and realized just how much you miss something, some time, some place? i was going back through an old picture album on my computer and found pictures of my favorite little girls ever, who i miss dearly:
these are the only times i miss high school, and living at home; when i remember my little girls and coaching and playing (before my senior year where it meant little to nothing to me) and the random happy moments i had that were.. in a way.. out of this world.
[i am currently typing this from little rock. yes, my parents were serious about hiking. and yes, actually, i did have denny's for my thanksgiving dinner. and surprisingly, it was pretty good, especially for denny's at 10:30 on thanksgiving night.]
these are the only times i miss high school, and living at home; when i remember my little girls and coaching and playing (before my senior year where it meant little to nothing to me) and the random happy moments i had that were.. in a way.. out of this world.
[i am currently typing this from little rock. yes, my parents were serious about hiking. and yes, actually, i did have denny's for my thanksgiving dinner. and surprisingly, it was pretty good, especially for denny's at 10:30 on thanksgiving night.]
Monday, November 19, 2007
i was the only one who got burned
i got my first citation ever tonight. :(
while riding down the hill for the .5 seconds that it takes to get to the apartments to the johnston center, i apparently did not stop "fully" at a stop sign, thus meaning that i have money to pay the big pulaski men soon. lovely.
i also finalized my schedule:
monday wednesday friday
9:00 - 9:50: american lit II
10:00 - 10:50: history of civilization II
11:00 - 11:50: gen biology II (botany)
(wednesday) 1:00 - 2:55: gen biology II lab
tuesday thursday
12:30 - 1:45: interim spanish II
flex - monday and thursday (march 3 - april 21)
5:30 - 7:55 pm: speech
after dwelling for 6 hours over a biology project, i'm ready to curl up in bed and have dreams about things that are NOT biology related. also: i love oscar wilde. love him with a fiery passion.
while riding down the hill for the .5 seconds that it takes to get to the apartments to the johnston center, i apparently did not stop "fully" at a stop sign, thus meaning that i have money to pay the big pulaski men soon. lovely.
i also finalized my schedule:
monday wednesday friday
9:00 - 9:50: american lit II
10:00 - 10:50: history of civilization II
11:00 - 11:50: gen biology II (botany)
(wednesday) 1:00 - 2:55: gen biology II lab
tuesday thursday
12:30 - 1:45: interim spanish II
flex - monday and thursday (march 3 - april 21)
5:30 - 7:55 pm: speech
after dwelling for 6 hours over a biology project, i'm ready to curl up in bed and have dreams about things that are NOT biology related. also: i love oscar wilde. love him with a fiery passion.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
i miss these people more than you can ever imagine.
"two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends." - mary catherwood
the overwhelming anatomy of a college party ( the darkest night in mmc history - subtitle contributed by the lovely brent cardin)
things must be much more amazing (or, conversely, much more horrible) when one is inebriated; being sober at a party where everyone else is not must also be the easiest way to see the black and whites of situations.
being at a party when sober while everyone else is completely trashed is amusing, in a way; it's like entering the jungle when biologists are doing research on the effects of crack on wild animals. never stand in the middle of the room: the feeling is of an encirclement from hell, in a swirling mass of inebriation and heavy breath.
those that were, once, completely rational beings can often turn into the most irrational, uncontrollable beings in the world. those that you thought had no venom in their veins can turn out to be the most vicious in the entire world. and some can turn out to be exactly the same, just a (tad bit) more clumsy. it can turn the best of friends against each other. it can turn the worst of enemies into.. even worse of enemies. it can make some people honest, and others complete seducers of the worst nature.
i gave up drinking before i ever started, in a sense. after everything that has happened to me, i decided that a. i probably wouldn't like who i was if i ever got drunk, and b. i never wanted to be drunk. i have yet to have someone (publicly) judge me for that, and i hope no one ever will.
tonight made me realize things about people that i would have never gotten any other night. in some, hopefully things that will rarely (if ever!) show up in them; some that made me feel a little bit closer.
(strangely enough, i realized even more so who i would allow myself be vulnerable around, and those who i would continue to be guarded around. there are just some that you can trust tenfold more than others.)
"stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
why wait any longer for the world to begin
you can have your cake and eat it too
why wait any longer for the one you love
when he's standing in front of you."
- bob dylan, "lay, lady, lay" (1969)
being at a party when sober while everyone else is completely trashed is amusing, in a way; it's like entering the jungle when biologists are doing research on the effects of crack on wild animals. never stand in the middle of the room: the feeling is of an encirclement from hell, in a swirling mass of inebriation and heavy breath.
those that were, once, completely rational beings can often turn into the most irrational, uncontrollable beings in the world. those that you thought had no venom in their veins can turn out to be the most vicious in the entire world. and some can turn out to be exactly the same, just a (tad bit) more clumsy. it can turn the best of friends against each other. it can turn the worst of enemies into.. even worse of enemies. it can make some people honest, and others complete seducers of the worst nature.
i gave up drinking before i ever started, in a sense. after everything that has happened to me, i decided that a. i probably wouldn't like who i was if i ever got drunk, and b. i never wanted to be drunk. i have yet to have someone (publicly) judge me for that, and i hope no one ever will.
tonight made me realize things about people that i would have never gotten any other night. in some, hopefully things that will rarely (if ever!) show up in them; some that made me feel a little bit closer.
(strangely enough, i realized even more so who i would allow myself be vulnerable around, and those who i would continue to be guarded around. there are just some that you can trust tenfold more than others.)
"stay, lady, stay, stay with your man awhile
why wait any longer for the world to begin
you can have your cake and eat it too
why wait any longer for the one you love
when he's standing in front of you."
- bob dylan, "lay, lady, lay" (1969)
Friday, November 16, 2007
oscar wilde is a homosexual
on this same note that i have made tonight (because my mind refuses to work in a synchronized manner; i must post one after the other after the other when i cannot sleep), i must also report:
in a rush to close the lid on said candle tonight, i accidentally tipped the candle sideways and drenched myself in wax. while this gave me a nice hand wax treatment (and a smell i'm sure will be on me for the rest of my days), it also made my pants look strangely enough like a male ejaculated straight onto the side of them.
good thing the cops didn't see that... or the cookie dough, or the milk.. or the other thing that is in the back of my car.
[don't tell anyone, but i have secretly wondered if there is a major criminal running around pulaski right now. the police have been very oddly circling the blocks the past few nights, noticeably starting the night we went to the apartment on the square and there were cops following us.]
"every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself." - oscar wilde.
you know something? there is a way to love someone; a way that is pure and honest and true. a way that allows one to live freely and understand their own ways and their own paths. i don't see why you can't see that or why you wouldn't want yourself to have that liberty. it seems a little silly all for the purpose of love, aye? i will not judge, i promise. but open your eyes, please. open your eyes before you make my mistake. open your eyes and realize that the girl you don't ever think about? yea, that one? she likes you. and it's an honest, pure like. (you know this is to you. stop doubting it and go for it. or be a coward and miss out on the best thing that could, possibly, ever happen to you.)
in a rush to close the lid on said candle tonight, i accidentally tipped the candle sideways and drenched myself in wax. while this gave me a nice hand wax treatment (and a smell i'm sure will be on me for the rest of my days), it also made my pants look strangely enough like a male ejaculated straight onto the side of them.
good thing the cops didn't see that... or the cookie dough, or the milk.. or the other thing that is in the back of my car.
[don't tell anyone, but i have secretly wondered if there is a major criminal running around pulaski right now. the police have been very oddly circling the blocks the past few nights, noticeably starting the night we went to the apartment on the square and there were cops following us.]
"every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself." - oscar wilde.
you know something? there is a way to love someone; a way that is pure and honest and true. a way that allows one to live freely and understand their own ways and their own paths. i don't see why you can't see that or why you wouldn't want yourself to have that liberty. it seems a little silly all for the purpose of love, aye? i will not judge, i promise. but open your eyes, please. open your eyes before you make my mistake. open your eyes and realize that the girl you don't ever think about? yea, that one? she likes you. and it's an honest, pure like. (you know this is to you. stop doubting it and go for it. or be a coward and miss out on the best thing that could, possibly, ever happen to you.)
those blue lights must mean something important.. oh wait.
i got pulled over by the anal retentive giles county police tonight.
we met devon at the old cemetery, and were sitting there (granted, with a lit candle on my glove compartment) hanging out and listening to regina spektor when a cop pulled up. he parked behind me (i guess checking my tags) and then drove off. we decided it was time to leave, since we were planning on going to walmart anyway, and drove off. the police officer followed us and eventually pulled us over. asked us what we were doing at the cemetery.. and we told them.
the whole situation was a ridiculous way to make me have a mini stroke at the age of 19. i've only been pulled over once in my life and that was for (laughably, before i got my radar detector) going 17 over in a small town in alabama while coming home for thanksgiving break. i still remember the mentally mistaken cop in all his glory: the brown pants and blue shirt and black shoes mismatched perfectly to reveal that he dressed himself in the dark. someone should have told him that wasn't right. i also remember his deep southern accent, and the way he assholishly told me, "i hope your thanksgiving break is better than this." secretly in his mind he was thinking: "here's my thanksgiving: a hefty paycheck from pulling over a college student who bawled through my giving her a ticket and who also refused to go over 60 when the speed limit was 65."
long story short: my history with cops has been short, sweet, and with a stick planted firmly between the buttocks.
"i don't say we ought to misbehave, but we should look as though we could." - oscar wilde.
we met devon at the old cemetery, and were sitting there (granted, with a lit candle on my glove compartment) hanging out and listening to regina spektor when a cop pulled up. he parked behind me (i guess checking my tags) and then drove off. we decided it was time to leave, since we were planning on going to walmart anyway, and drove off. the police officer followed us and eventually pulled us over. asked us what we were doing at the cemetery.. and we told them.
the whole situation was a ridiculous way to make me have a mini stroke at the age of 19. i've only been pulled over once in my life and that was for (laughably, before i got my radar detector) going 17 over in a small town in alabama while coming home for thanksgiving break. i still remember the mentally mistaken cop in all his glory: the brown pants and blue shirt and black shoes mismatched perfectly to reveal that he dressed himself in the dark. someone should have told him that wasn't right. i also remember his deep southern accent, and the way he assholishly told me, "i hope your thanksgiving break is better than this." secretly in his mind he was thinking: "here's my thanksgiving: a hefty paycheck from pulling over a college student who bawled through my giving her a ticket and who also refused to go over 60 when the speed limit was 65."
long story short: my history with cops has been short, sweet, and with a stick planted firmly between the buttocks.
"i don't say we ought to misbehave, but we should look as though we could." - oscar wilde.
michael jackson's thriller is NOT playing right now. it's NOT.
what up, i'm friendly to all animals. :)
the random thoughts you've been waiting for
life is weird and strange in the way that it's not at all, and it's the part that i love so much. my favorite part about my life right now is that i'm perfectly fine being a complete idiot and at the same time completely fine being complacent sitting cross-legged in my car with a candle lit and good conversation. the only thing that could change right now is if you'd wise up...
but then again, i'm one of those girls who want things to be like a movie. i want the signs to be signs and your lack of honesty be that you're shy and trying to hide from me. i want it to be like a movie. i want it to be perfect, but i'm fine with the imperfection of it all. i wish for things that i know i won't get but just that feeling of happiness completely buries my insecurities. i'm probably still the type of girl who would be completely shaken over an anonymous bouquet of flowers (i prefer pink tulips, for-your-information) or a letter or a postsecret postcard or... a kiss on the cheek. i need to stop looking and i need to better myself.. but it wouldn't hurt to have a little encouragement every once in a while, you know?
but then again, i'm one of those girls who want things to be like a movie. i want the signs to be signs and your lack of honesty be that you're shy and trying to hide from me. i want it to be like a movie. i want it to be perfect, but i'm fine with the imperfection of it all. i wish for things that i know i won't get but just that feeling of happiness completely buries my insecurities. i'm probably still the type of girl who would be completely shaken over an anonymous bouquet of flowers (i prefer pink tulips, for-your-information) or a letter or a postsecret postcard or... a kiss on the cheek. i need to stop looking and i need to better myself.. but it wouldn't hurt to have a little encouragement every once in a while, you know?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
things will be waiting for you downtown
days keep going noticeably fast without my noticing.
strange.
when you're alone and life is making you lonely
you can always go downtown
when you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry
seems to help, i know, downtown
just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
how can you lose?
the lights are much brighter there
you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares
so go downtown, things'll be great when you're
downtown - no finer place, for sure
downtown - everything's waiting for you
don't hang around and let your problems surround you
there are movie shows - downtown
maybe you know some little places to go to
where they never close - downtown
just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova
you'll be dancing with him too before the night is over
happy again
the lights are much brighter htere
you can forget all yuor trouble, forget all your cares
so go downtown, where all the lights are bright
downtown - waiting for you tonight
downtown - you're gonna be all right now
and you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
guide them along
we can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares
so go downtown, things'll be great when you're
downtown - don't wait a minute for
downtown - everything's waiting for you
downtown, downtown, downtown, downtown....
strange.
when you're alone and life is making you lonely
you can always go downtown
when you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry
seems to help, i know, downtown
just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
how can you lose?
the lights are much brighter there
you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares
so go downtown, things'll be great when you're
downtown - no finer place, for sure
downtown - everything's waiting for you
don't hang around and let your problems surround you
there are movie shows - downtown
maybe you know some little places to go to
where they never close - downtown
just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossa nova
you'll be dancing with him too before the night is over
happy again
the lights are much brighter htere
you can forget all yuor trouble, forget all your cares
so go downtown, where all the lights are bright
downtown - waiting for you tonight
downtown - you're gonna be all right now
and you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
guide them along
we can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares
so go downtown, things'll be great when you're
downtown - don't wait a minute for
downtown - everything's waiting for you
downtown, downtown, downtown, downtown....
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
i just thought i'd go ahead and say this
coach, girls, everyone.
i'm so sorry for what i put you all through last year. i wish i had had the decency then and the security in myself to be able to say that i needed to get away from the situation, but i never did. i only worsened it by staying.
i was so hurt and burnt out by the end of the year that i didn't tell anyone. as wrong as it was on my part, i felt like i was doing the right thing. i never once played the game that i should have played while i was there; never once. i was so high strung and uptight about everything (which is so far from my personality that it scared me) that my playing suffered, my life suffered, and i suffered.
i am glad that you all did such an amazing job this year. it weighs heavy on my heart but at the same time i feel like my life and your lives wouldn't have been the same without the experience. thank you for all your kindness and for everything that you helped me through, inadvertently or not.
and to bk: i am so proud of you. despite everything that you've had to go through, you've excelled. you are the epitome of strength and someone who can persevere through every obstacle put in front of them.
i'm so sorry for what i put you all through last year. i wish i had had the decency then and the security in myself to be able to say that i needed to get away from the situation, but i never did. i only worsened it by staying.
i was so hurt and burnt out by the end of the year that i didn't tell anyone. as wrong as it was on my part, i felt like i was doing the right thing. i never once played the game that i should have played while i was there; never once. i was so high strung and uptight about everything (which is so far from my personality that it scared me) that my playing suffered, my life suffered, and i suffered.
i am glad that you all did such an amazing job this year. it weighs heavy on my heart but at the same time i feel like my life and your lives wouldn't have been the same without the experience. thank you for all your kindness and for everything that you helped me through, inadvertently or not.
and to bk: i am so proud of you. despite everything that you've had to go through, you've excelled. you are the epitome of strength and someone who can persevere through every obstacle put in front of them.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
it's that feeling you get
like a truck driving straight through the middle of your heart. like you just full out swallowed your heart and it's residing in the pit of your stomach.
it hurts, quite frankly. but why dwell on it? life goes on. life keeps moving. i have to keep moving. everything is fine.
but this feeling? this feeling is what i can't erase.
i'm sorry for ever telling you. i really, really am. i should have just kept it a secret, tucked away in my imagination.
it hurts, quite frankly. but why dwell on it? life goes on. life keeps moving. i have to keep moving. everything is fine.
but this feeling? this feeling is what i can't erase.
i'm sorry for ever telling you. i really, really am. i should have just kept it a secret, tucked away in my imagination.
sam eats pie!
i just have to inform everyone of this: derek and brent are the two most kickass kids in this entire world. tonight was beyond amazing. tonight was -- indescribable. david bazan put on his (normal) amazing show (though he followed a very shitty first act) and cafe coco made my stomach extremely happy. but tonight would have been NOTHING without the companionship of the two most amazing boys you will ever meet. i love you both.
nothing else to see here, move along.
(except one tiny little detail: what would you say if you knew?)
nothing else to see here, move along.
(except one tiny little detail: what would you say if you knew?)
Monday, November 12, 2007
thought #1:
i write to an imaginary person. write about an imaginary person. someone that doesn't exist except for in my head. no face.
someone who is full of heart and likes laughing. loves taking walks and long drives. is creative and makes things. is cocky but not overly. unbridled, carefree, happy, knows what they want. can listen to me ramble. likes me honestly, truly, for the dork i am. has a secret passion for just laying in bed listening to music with lit candles. understands that people change, and that people need to make their own decisions about things. will be open about things, will be rational. will love.
will love being the top priority.
someone who is full of heart and likes laughing. loves taking walks and long drives. is creative and makes things. is cocky but not overly. unbridled, carefree, happy, knows what they want. can listen to me ramble. likes me honestly, truly, for the dork i am. has a secret passion for just laying in bed listening to music with lit candles. understands that people change, and that people need to make their own decisions about things. will be open about things, will be rational. will love.
will love being the top priority.
you're a masochist for falling for me.
i love her right now. she makes me want to cuddle with someone, relax in my bed, sleep peacefully and kiss. kiss softly on parted lips and on closed lips and on eyelids and on cheeks and on foreheads and on and on and on....
i wish celibacy were easy but i'm hopeless. i will never, ever, ever be able to be celibate; it's not even really celibacy. it's an abstinence from relationships in general. it's not even really because of you anymore; it's because of me. it's because i need to straighten out my life. i need to completely clean the cobwebs from my head.
i can feel myself starting to work. i can feel my heart beating again. i was numb to everything; now i'm alive again.
you'd be lucky to have me. in all cockiness, i'm probably wonderful to be in a relationship with. not perfect, by any means. but if i feel something deep for you, you'll know it*. you'll feel it deep within you. i know what i want and i'll go for it with all my heart.
ingrid michaelson? i feel her staying on continuous repeat for a couple of days. her voice is amazing.
[*= besides getting past the initial "i like you" part. i'm a pansy when it comes to that. initiation by the other person is necessary.]
i'll sing you to sleep
we woke up to this. fell asleep to the soft candles and the outside breeze. warm under the covers, cuddled together.
i would sing you to sleep, guitar in hand. fingers prancing across the strings. softly whispering in your ear.
wake up to your soft face. asleep in my bed, eyes closed. i am the intimacy i know you've always craved.
i can read you like an open book.
(yesterday
i woke up
with your head on my arm
my hand was numb
circulation gone
but i dared not move
the pretty sleeping one
the sun had painted
patterns on your face
as you breathe sunday air
rode on to my open arms
i became your pillow
you let me smooth your hair
i will sing you morning lullabies
you are beautiful, and peaceful this way
i know you have to close your eyes
on everyone, let me help you,
ill sing you to sleep
with morning lullabies
let me lie in the curve
of your body tonight
and i will hear you
tumble into sleep
i will watch you heal
i will watch you heal with me
i will sing you morning lullabies
you are beautiful, and peaceful this way
i know you have to close your eyes on everyone
let me help you, ill sing you to sleep
with morning lullabies
i know you have to close your eyes on everyone
let me help you
ill sing you to sleep
with morning lullabye..bye baby
close your eyes
and i will sing you
morning lullabies)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
everything in moderation
life is a b movie, it's stupid and it's strange. a directionless story and the dialog is lame. but in the he said-she said sometimes there's some poetry if you turn your back long enough and let it happen naturally.
[i felt you in my life before i ever thought to, felt the need to lay down beside you and tell you: i feel you in my heart, and i don't even know you.] -- cutest song lyrics ever, tegan and sara's nineteen. i wish they would cool it with the not-so-cute mullets though. go back to if it was me days!
i had a dream
we took that walk. the walk from school to the old cemetery to the overlook.
i think the number one fear i have with you is that it'll never happen. i have a feeling you'd really like it.
i wish we could just tell people how we feel, straight and sure. sure that we won't get hurt. sure that someone wouldn't take it the wrong way, that it wouldn't ruin a friendship. that it wouldn't mess anything up between anyone. but you don't know that; you just have to take the plunge. it's a thought. a continuous question when they're around. are they flirting?
this would all be so simple if you could just say one word and the person would know what you meant if they liked you, and if they didn't, they wouldn't.
if it were me, my word would be hello. just a soft hello with a cute glance. i think i would lose all feeling.. not that you'd ever say it.
[i can wish, right?]
i think the number one fear i have with you is that it'll never happen. i have a feeling you'd really like it.
i wish we could just tell people how we feel, straight and sure. sure that we won't get hurt. sure that someone wouldn't take it the wrong way, that it wouldn't ruin a friendship. that it wouldn't mess anything up between anyone. but you don't know that; you just have to take the plunge. it's a thought. a continuous question when they're around. are they flirting?
this would all be so simple if you could just say one word and the person would know what you meant if they liked you, and if they didn't, they wouldn't.
if it were me, my word would be hello. just a soft hello with a cute glance. i think i would lose all feeling.. not that you'd ever say it.
[i can wish, right?]
beautiful dawn
i got my lip pierced. :)
and why would you let someone push you around like that? that goes for everyone, i guess. but why would you let anyone you're interested in/dating/attached to the hip with treat you in a way that makes you feel inferior?
it was my naivety that allowed that. you're older than i was then. wake up and realize there's a lot better out there.
and why would you let someone push you around like that? that goes for everyone, i guess. but why would you let anyone you're interested in/dating/attached to the hip with treat you in a way that makes you feel inferior?
it was my naivety that allowed that. you're older than i was then. wake up and realize there's a lot better out there.
Friday, November 9, 2007
in the news tonight:
i am possibly the vaguest person you will ever meet, but i live for the small details.
send me the smallest piece of paper with an acronym on it, and i'll consider it the world's biggest diamond.
i want an anonymous love letter. someone send me one, please.
send me the smallest piece of paper with an acronym on it, and i'll consider it the world's biggest diamond.
i want an anonymous love letter. someone send me one, please.
mcdonalds now serves fresh baked cookies (??)
i'm happy for you, you know that right? i really am.
but i think you deserve something ten times more than she will ever be. and i think you are going to realize that too late... and pass up an opportunity that was there all along, but you never looked hard enough to see it.
florence was amazing, in respect to watching inbreds dancing the cha cha slide.
i want to take you on my romantic walk. i think you'd like it. i would hope you would. would you go with me? we could sit at the overlook, and maybe i could hold your hand.
but i think you deserve something ten times more than she will ever be. and i think you are going to realize that too late... and pass up an opportunity that was there all along, but you never looked hard enough to see it.
florence was amazing, in respect to watching inbreds dancing the cha cha slide.
i want to take you on my romantic walk. i think you'd like it. i would hope you would. would you go with me? we could sit at the overlook, and maybe i could hold your hand.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
i'm trying to figure out my schedule, but procrastination is better
required courses: american lit II, spanish II, general biology (botany) with lab.
wanted courses: studio ceramics
possible: religion 102
hours: 16
wanted courses: studio ceramics
possible: religion 102
hours: 16
there's an aiplane in the sky with a banner right behind
3 cigarettes.
30 miles.
3 hours.
2 people.
2 hearts.
1 hot chocolate.
an amazing night, and it's now 5:14 am. sleeping is overrated.
if i find him, just to follow
would he hold me and never let me go
would he let me borrow his old winter coat
i don't know,
i don't know.
if i see her standing there alone
at the train station three stops from her home
i have half a mind to say what i'm thinking anyway
i don't know,
i don't know.
there's an airplane in the sky
with a banner right behind
loneliness is just a crime
look each other in the eye
and say hello
oh oh oh oh
and say hello
oh oh oh oh oh
say hello, and i'll say it back.
[side note: waffle house and hot chocolate is completely separated from the meaning behind rosie thomas' "say hello". i find need for deep, intellectual conversation and when is it best? at 3 am in the morning, in the middle of waffle house.]
30 miles.
3 hours.
2 people.
2 hearts.
1 hot chocolate.
an amazing night, and it's now 5:14 am. sleeping is overrated.
if i find him, just to follow
would he hold me and never let me go
would he let me borrow his old winter coat
i don't know,
i don't know.
if i see her standing there alone
at the train station three stops from her home
i have half a mind to say what i'm thinking anyway
i don't know,
i don't know.
there's an airplane in the sky
with a banner right behind
loneliness is just a crime
look each other in the eye
and say hello
oh oh oh oh
and say hello
oh oh oh oh oh
say hello, and i'll say it back.
[side note: waffle house and hot chocolate is completely separated from the meaning behind rosie thomas' "say hello". i find need for deep, intellectual conversation and when is it best? at 3 am in the morning, in the middle of waffle house.]
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
top ten reasons why my roomate is awesome....
1.shes so pretty-ful
2.she writes really great papers and other literary works
3.she makes me take charcoal to fix my hurt tummy
4.she is from "midtown" is memphis
5. she doesnt smoke cigs
6.meatballs....=.......albandygas?? lol
7.she loves incubus and wailin' jenny's.. and i do to now! well i always liked incubus but wailin' jenny's is cool
8."riding in cars with sam" should be a movie about this town, the people and the events in it....
9.were going to france together soomeday..
10.she takes care of me when i cant..
I LOVE
YOU
SAM!!
<3<3<3 Lauren Victoria
2.she writes really great papers and other literary works
3.she makes me take charcoal to fix my hurt tummy
4.she is from "midtown" is memphis
5. she doesnt smoke cigs
6.meatballs....=.......albandygas?? lol
7.she loves incubus and wailin' jenny's.. and i do to now! well i always liked incubus but wailin' jenny's is cool
8."riding in cars with sam" should be a movie about this town, the people and the events in it....
9.were going to france together soomeday..
10.she takes care of me when i cant..
I LOVE
YOU
SAM!!
<3<3<3 Lauren Victoria
pause. play. rewind. stop.
pause. play. rewind.
can life stop at the drop of a dime?
let me see. ready? steady. drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
(cling!).
exhale. inhale. exhale. inhale.
are we all still here? let me look around.
vacant faces and placid bodies
all in a mutant line - singing softly
the anthem of our tainted nation,
where love is buried in a bowl of condoms
and the only way you'll get it is if you have the "perfect bod" --
pause. play. rewind.
are they aware? their faces lake compassion.
killing, hurting, laughing, manipulating --
cover it all with your blanket of lies.
lay in your bed and shiver and shake.
here you are, Princess, the life you ordered from Ebay,
comoplete with hatred and lies, and as a special bonus -
i threw in something mind-blowing, just for you.
it beats and it pulses and it ------------flatline---------
pause. play. rewind.
here you are, Princess. the heart you have has stopped.
the mutant lines are part of you now
look blank. breathe quietly. speak to none.
sing our anthem, our tained anthem.
Princess, this is what you've always wanted.
Princes -- you are one of us.
pause. play. rewind. stop.
can life stop at the drop of a dime?
let me see. ready? steady. drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
drop.
(cling!).
exhale. inhale. exhale. inhale.
are we all still here? let me look around.
vacant faces and placid bodies
all in a mutant line - singing softly
the anthem of our tainted nation,
where love is buried in a bowl of condoms
and the only way you'll get it is if you have the "perfect bod" --
pause. play. rewind.
are they aware? their faces lake compassion.
killing, hurting, laughing, manipulating --
cover it all with your blanket of lies.
lay in your bed and shiver and shake.
here you are, Princess, the life you ordered from Ebay,
comoplete with hatred and lies, and as a special bonus -
i threw in something mind-blowing, just for you.
it beats and it pulses and it ------------flatline---------
pause. play. rewind.
here you are, Princess. the heart you have has stopped.
the mutant lines are part of you now
look blank. breathe quietly. speak to none.
sing our anthem, our tained anthem.
Princess, this is what you've always wanted.
Princes -- you are one of us.
pause. play. rewind. stop.
a name to a face.
"by radiating as much light as you can, hopefully, you do your bit to change the world... we're all in this place together. we gotta deal with it. we don't own this earth. can we learn to not live hating each other? if you can change your own little world in your head, then maybe you can change the world. that's really what it's about." - joan jett.
in the nights when my eyes refuse to shut -- when they are glued, super-glued, rubber-cemented apart, with all denial to the beauty of sleep -- i lay awake and my mind systematically approaches every speck of light, every breath, every word. on the first floor in the stairwell closest to the gym, when you're standing right in front of it, the light on the right side wall makes a "buzzing" sound, unmistakable in the moments between words. the long awkward silences that kill us slowly with each passing second and yet awaken us to our senses. this is probably why meditation is so prominent in religion -- fasting, praying, meditating constantly to better yourself in the moments that you allow yourself to be completely free of technology love sex money fame glamour grades drugs alcohol family friends relationships health issues food issues hunger disease poverty and whatever else there might be. those awkward silences are precious: they spell out everything we refuse to spell out for ourselves.
when did we become so wrapped up in all of this? we forget how amazing the feeling of the wind blowing against your cheeks, wiping your hair from your face is. we forget how beautiful each individual petal of a flower can be. when we refuse to see someone for who they are (insert joan jett's "androgynous" here), when we refuse to be tolerant to differences.
this will never end and i know this. but people watching can make you so aware to every flaw of our existence, with every footprint telling a story and every worn-down hand giving a name to a face.
in the nights when my eyes refuse to shut -- when they are glued, super-glued, rubber-cemented apart, with all denial to the beauty of sleep -- i lay awake and my mind systematically approaches every speck of light, every breath, every word. on the first floor in the stairwell closest to the gym, when you're standing right in front of it, the light on the right side wall makes a "buzzing" sound, unmistakable in the moments between words. the long awkward silences that kill us slowly with each passing second and yet awaken us to our senses. this is probably why meditation is so prominent in religion -- fasting, praying, meditating constantly to better yourself in the moments that you allow yourself to be completely free of technology love sex money fame glamour grades drugs alcohol family friends relationships health issues food issues hunger disease poverty and whatever else there might be. those awkward silences are precious: they spell out everything we refuse to spell out for ourselves.
when did we become so wrapped up in all of this? we forget how amazing the feeling of the wind blowing against your cheeks, wiping your hair from your face is. we forget how beautiful each individual petal of a flower can be. when we refuse to see someone for who they are (insert joan jett's "androgynous" here), when we refuse to be tolerant to differences.
this will never end and i know this. but people watching can make you so aware to every flaw of our existence, with every footprint telling a story and every worn-down hand giving a name to a face.
Monday, November 5, 2007
i learned this from a tv show that i didn't even really watch
it's true that college is nothing more than an extended rat race to see who can cheat the system more effectively than the other. original, true learning is lost in between memorization for fill in the blanks and essay questions and what is it all for? "thinking critically"? how are we taught to think critically? critical of ourselves, of our grades? life lost to the pursuit of an a? drugs, alcohol, lack of sleep, engorgement, depression, and cheating?
you want to believe that you're actually learning something, that you're actually getting something from this repeated analysis of formulas and dates and mla format. most importantly, where do they teach us about life here? about what to do after we leave the books that are continuously glued to our noses and who to pursue and who to forget and what happens when it all comes crashing down?
there has to be words that freud in all his insane rambling came up with. there has to be something there.
you want to believe that you're actually learning something, that you're actually getting something from this repeated analysis of formulas and dates and mla format. most importantly, where do they teach us about life here? about what to do after we leave the books that are continuously glued to our noses and who to pursue and who to forget and what happens when it all comes crashing down?
there has to be words that freud in all his insane rambling came up with. there has to be something there.
wisdom.
"sometimes you outgrow the people you love."
how i wish it weren't true but sometimes it's right.
how i wish it weren't true but sometimes it's right.
a thought that is not useless
have you ever had the feeling that something is about to change? that something phenomenal is going to happen and it's going to change your life, everyone's life forever, but you don't know what it is yet, but you take the picture in front of you and save it to memory so that you'll remember it when you're not the person you used to be? that's how i feel.
speaking of surprises! sara bareilles, who has her single "love song" repetitively playing on mtv (shoot me now?) actually is not that bad of an artist. i stole her cd and i'm pleasantly surprised by her beautiful voice. it's refreshing, in a sense.
speaking of surprises! sara bareilles, who has her single "love song" repetitively playing on mtv (shoot me now?) actually is not that bad of an artist. i stole her cd and i'm pleasantly surprised by her beautiful voice. it's refreshing, in a sense.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
sharp shooter
our front door makes an unforgettable sound two seconds before it reconnects with it's lock. this sound is the same that you would hear from someone hushing you to secrecy. a lulling, soft, "shhh" that makes me want to whisper in someone's ear.
i picked up a cd today. the mary timony band, the shapes we make. after a thorough listen, i must say: i'm pleased, very pleased. i'll write a detailed review here tomorrow.
i picked up a cd today. the mary timony band, the shapes we make. after a thorough listen, i must say: i'm pleased, very pleased. i'll write a detailed review here tomorrow.
casimir pulaski day
in the morning through the window shade
when the light pressed up against your shoulder blade
i could see what you were reading.
oh the glory that the Lord has made
and the complications you could do without
when i kissed you on the mouth
when the light pressed up against your shoulder blade
i could see what you were reading.
oh the glory that the Lord has made
and the complications you could do without
when i kissed you on the mouth
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
change of you.
i'm wiping my history from the slate today, and it's starting with you.
they always tell you "never forget something that made you smile." what happens if i'm not forgetting and i'm clearly just wiping it away? we will see.
long walks are nice. being the romantic i am, i have decided that the old graveyard/"passive" park would be the most fantastic date walk, complete with a picnic at the trail of tears overlook. not that i have anyone in mind, or ever will.
celibacy is the worst and best man-made invention ever created (with the exception of fire. it's awfully cold these days).
they always tell you "never forget something that made you smile." what happens if i'm not forgetting and i'm clearly just wiping it away? we will see.
long walks are nice. being the romantic i am, i have decided that the old graveyard/"passive" park would be the most fantastic date walk, complete with a picnic at the trail of tears overlook. not that i have anyone in mind, or ever will.
celibacy is the worst and best man-made invention ever created (with the exception of fire. it's awfully cold these days).
Thursday, November 1, 2007
neoclassical post modern big-worded exsistence
feeling is overrated. like the feeling of hard-swallowed lungs or of soft-hearted whispers or of fingers against fingers against -- and you stop awkwardly in the syntax of conceptual periodicals. because punctuation is but a flaw in the human existence; lyrics a mistake in the presence of a baby's breath. if a song were to be the anthem of our heartbeat, could it also be the grammar of our placement here? when three times three equals nine so does red times blue equals yellow. that each feeling, each notion, each instinct is an open, live, breathing experience signifies that each is, transversely, a person in it's own reason. we will all read these things -- from romanticism to classical to "neoclassicism" and post-modernism and ---
all the labels will run over but in time will all be eradicated. movements, sexuality, gender, race -- all mixed and confined to lines in a history book and all the passion dually felt is lost. in the frugal ink of historians and artists and mathematicians and biologists and swimmers and idle on the tongues of dead Presidents rolling over in their graves. the ideals of feminism lost to time's eraser; the girls who riot contained by headstones. chauvinism is stuck at the root of it's ugly conceptions (because we know it starts from the head and continues upwards). what will win? the persuasion of this century is slowly losing power with mini skirts and animal-made cover girl (eazy. breezy. beautiful. horse's hoof) and the music that once created the movement slowly dies down and is patted to the ground by presuppositions, lacking lyrics by our nation's pink highlights -- Avril and Aly & AJ and Britney. between your lover's lips and statutory rape. stregnth here is underdone, lost in nails and high fashion and traveling and prefixes, titles, commands, demands, butlers, and -- ABOVE ALL -- the quest for monetary fame.
(in the same race we all run. civil rights. human rights. animal rights. the battles are never-ending, always persevering.)
all the labels will run over but in time will all be eradicated. movements, sexuality, gender, race -- all mixed and confined to lines in a history book and all the passion dually felt is lost. in the frugal ink of historians and artists and mathematicians and biologists and swimmers and idle on the tongues of dead Presidents rolling over in their graves. the ideals of feminism lost to time's eraser; the girls who riot contained by headstones. chauvinism is stuck at the root of it's ugly conceptions (because we know it starts from the head and continues upwards). what will win? the persuasion of this century is slowly losing power with mini skirts and animal-made cover girl (eazy. breezy. beautiful. horse's hoof) and the music that once created the movement slowly dies down and is patted to the ground by presuppositions, lacking lyrics by our nation's pink highlights -- Avril and Aly & AJ and Britney. between your lover's lips and statutory rape. stregnth here is underdone, lost in nails and high fashion and traveling and prefixes, titles, commands, demands, butlers, and -- ABOVE ALL -- the quest for monetary fame.
(in the same race we all run. civil rights. human rights. animal rights. the battles are never-ending, always persevering.)
an ode to your symmetry
you: the perfect symmetry of you
which is here, lying comatose
in the molecules of my ink;
you: the betrayer of all my imaginary trust
you: the one who
broke borrowed stole played with excited intensified
my overzealous heart with one tiny glance
you: the source of all my inner grief
shame doubt cowardess
though i barely know you ---
i would give all of myself
but my movements on this board are futile.
(i should have given up long ago --
but here i am, on paper, laying
myself out for you to mop up with your
own will) ----
all the periods commas parenthesis
colons semicolons dashes underlines
words ideas thoughts feelings
p h e n o m e n o m s
will all come together to mean everything
and in the end -- absolutely nothing
as the ideas will be just as useless
as this list.
which is here, lying comatose
in the molecules of my ink;
you: the betrayer of all my imaginary trust
you: the one who
broke borrowed stole played with excited intensified
my overzealous heart with one tiny glance
you: the source of all my inner grief
shame doubt cowardess
though i barely know you ---
i would give all of myself
but my movements on this board are futile.
(i should have given up long ago --
but here i am, on paper, laying
myself out for you to mop up with your
own will) ----
all the periods commas parenthesis
colons semicolons dashes underlines
words ideas thoughts feelings
p h e n o m e n o m s
will all come together to mean everything
and in the end -- absolutely nothing
as the ideas will be just as useless
as this list.
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