mix in a little passion.

i tried, okay? and i couldn't explain it like you wanted me to, and i was stuck vulnerable (yet AGAIN - seems like this is a common theme between you and i), head over a piece of paper that will remain blank, unlike this blog which i wish i could fill up with wretched things... which i will not allow myself to.

life is so fleeting. if there's anything i know, that's it. i've had enough people taken away from me from six years old on and i know how it feels to be completely lost, like you can't breathe, because you've lost a certain person that you feel you absolutely need in your life. i know how that felt when i lost her, when i lost him, when i lost them. it's the hardest thing i ever went through in my life, sitting on that white swing and pretending like everything was going to be okay. and the branch broke and smack-dap-bam right on the top of my head and i wondered why - if HE was there - that HE would let this happen to me.

par for the course, right? part of life. therefore, this was my lesson, and the lesson i will share with you. life sucks. there will be parts that are redeeming but there will also be parts that will rip your heart to shreds. you can't complain about them, you can't feel isolated (even though you will) because everyone has to go through it.

yes. right then and there, i said religion isn't for me. it took me a couple of years to know that i meant it - but for all the wrong reasons. that's a personal matter, one that i will not entrust in you until you understand some vital things about me:

a. yes, i'm quiet, but that's something you need to respect at times. i grew up an only child, raised around adults, and i learned very quickly that my mind responds to my own quiet thinking times and my own loud outbursts. my friends know how to draw it out of me. if you want to know, you'll learn.

b. i am stubborn as hell when it comes to what i want. and i'm not talking about what i want in reference to something i can buy. i'm talking about my future, not even my career, but that i'm determined to make something of myself. i've seen enough people fail in the past and i'm not being cold-hearted when i say this, but yeah i'm having fun with my life and i need it void of the stupid drama certain relationships will put in my life. that being said, if you think you're going to step in between and my path, think again.. i will push you right back off.

c. i will love hard, fast, passionately. that's the type of person i am. if my heart beats for you it will beat ardently in one direction. i'm loyal to a fault, romantic to the core, and dedicated to someone else's happiness if it suits right.

d. i'm the most carefree person otherwise. completely laid-back, apathetic towards most petty vices and problems.

so laugh if you want to, get mad if you want to, leave if you want to. but if there's anything that i'll know, i'll know that i left knowing i did the best that i could. and that's all that matters.

eating cheese on toast

why is it that lately you've been on my mind? non-stop, almost. i thought of that picture we took at sazios and how smitten i was with it... because you looked amazing. and how i still suck at skee ball. and how your yellow bug was the most amazing car to ever exist..

and i listen to kate nash's merry happy and can't help thinking about you.

yea you make me merry, make me very very happy, but you obviously didn't want to stick around... so i learned from you. i can be alone, yeah, i can watch a sunset on my own..

('cause you can make flowers grow from where dirt was.)

just while i'm thinking about it..

a little honesty never hurt, right? so barring all consequences, i'll fess up to how i really feel. i miss you. i miss your tattoos and the 3 am conversations and beating you in air hockey (because i really am just that ballin') and in a way, almost how you'd look at me unbelievingly when i said something ridiculously stupid (like takka burns. i realize all vodka burns, but takka is on it's own disgusting level).

you intimidated me in ways you could never understand. two years older than i and your life experiences were far advanced. a good percent of the time, i felt vulnerable beneath your hand.. and the more i thought about you and i the more i freaked a little and felt a little more inadequate. yeah, it's true i didn't come from a sheltered home.. living with ultra liberal hippy parents is not code word for it by any means. but still, the fact that i couldn't relate made me hesitant. i wanted to believe you were extremely genuine..

but in a dog eat dog world where i used to throw trust around, i've learned that not everyone would treat me with the loyalty that i'd treat them... and i'm sorry, but i had you pegged as one of those people.

so i ran. to someone else, far away from you, because i thought (and still do) that you were just pushing my limits. check plus for a lesson towards maturity.. my confidence levels were severely lacking. i didn't believe, therefore i could not do. my own fault. before you i had dated one person for three/four years, and had pulled the plug on such merely three months earlier; had gone on dates and had been interested in several people but always went back to that really-bad-for-me relationship (my fault, every single time. first loves, you know?). you solidified that i never needed to go back to that, even though i had decided it for myself... c always used to tell me that no one would love me. i was unloveable (obviously not). i guess i never got to tell you that...

now you won't talk to me and i probably deserve that. but i do miss you.. your dolly parton obsession, love for coffee, mysterious smile.. i think of you everytime i see that orange bracelet (yea, i still have it. yea, i still wear it). maybe it's dumb to dwell.. but i think it's better to admit my fallacies.