a wishlist:

i just want you to try. i want you to try for us because we have a good foundation and because we've been through so much together already.

i want you to try because i believe in us and i believe that we could have a better future.

i want you to try because i realize that i was at fault for a good bit of this, and because i'm willing to make the necessary changes for our relationship.

i want you to try because i gave you the space you needed and wanted. i went through a hell of a week - most of it productive and good for me - so that we could figure things out.

i want you to try because i've been what you wanted for the past four years, and i don't understand how that can change in an instant.

i want you to try because i want you. i want us. i want our life, our dogs, our tiny house. i want all of it.

i miss:

1. i miss those days that we'd rush home from work or from school just to be with each other, even if it were only for a few minutes
2. i miss those days that you'd beg me to come to lowe's so i could see you for a minute and bring you a drink
3. i miss those days that you'd come to the library and stay at the desk and talk to me, even if it were only for a few minutes - they always made my day
4. i miss those days that we'd take car rides together and you'd wrap your fingers in mine
5. i miss curling up next to you in bed and hearing your voice
6. i miss meeting for lunch
7. i miss sleeping in and not wanting to get up because you were next to me
8. i miss the sweetness in your voice when you'd flirt with me or tell me you loved me
9. i miss doing things together
10. i miss sweet morning texts and texts about my day
11. i miss feeling like i can text you and not having to worry about how you'll react

i just miss a lot and it's really hitting hard right now...

understanding:

i get it. i understand. i know why you need space.

i'm letting you go. i'm hoping you'll come back.

memories:

you, lying next
to me
sleeping
like the morning
will never come

like the sun
will never infiltrate
your 
fire worm sea 
eyes, glowing

bioluminescent lights
bringing color
to my 
otherwise colorless
world: 

the way your
chest carries like
the tide across
sandcastles,
proving

the second law
of thermodynamics -
that we were 
meant towards
entropy,

everything with 
a beginning
must also
have an
ending, 

but you -
you are the
beginning
i'd like to see
an ending

with,
the bamboo
raft in the
Mississippi 
i'd like to

travel endlessly,
the maze of
golden
sunflowers
i'd enjoy

finding out. 
strange how
things like this
come from
the smallest

of motions,
like the movement
of breath
from toe
to head,

like the sound
of a smile
running free
in your
sleep

the three r's

"retreat, retreat, retreat," she said,
galloping swiftly past me,
"the greater enemy is rounding the corner,
and it is ready to seize your every atom,
leaving nothing left,"

retreat, retreat, retreat, i did,
but not quickly enough -
the greater enemy consumed me,
thorny vines wrapping around my wrists,
squeezing me tightly,
breathing constricted
until there was no breath left -

retreat, retreat, retreat, i should have -
the fear had filled me from the start
one day we all knew
the castle would come crumbling
to its heart

retreat, retreat, retreat,
but now it is too late
the life i had has disappeared
and all that is left
are the ruins for display

__________ __________ into my work:

present tense gradually shifting to past
open wounds, bleeding, crawling down my arm
usurping every ability to think rationally
requiring time spent to be exasperating
inside me, organs churning
nothing to soothe, nothing to calm
gaining misfortune at every step

making sure you twist deeper in to my side
youth draining, pain seizing
solitude comes at such a lofty price
even though it was your every desire
leaving behind something certain
for the thrill of something new

an open letter to you that you will probably never read:

it's been a really long time since i've written here.

nearly four years ago (on february 24th, i suppose), you told me that you read my blog religiously, that you had followed my words and enjoyed them. i had never been so overjoyed to be with someone like you - so romantic and kind, funny and sweet - and i loved everything you were. loved, i guess, is a bad term; i still love everything you are, even in this messy predicament we're in.

what predicament is that? i don't really know. i feel like i'm trying to navigate through a pitch-black tunnel that i have never been in before, and my heart is consistently plunging in to the depths of my stomach. i've never here, especially not with someone who i've always felt so totally in sync with. it's like all in one week, i've lost one of my closest friends and the person i was so looking forward to having a future with. from my perspective, you've gone cold - you stare at me with apathy and seem so uncompelled to do anything or to make a movement or to say anything. i've never seen you like this, and it scares me so much.

i realize that i'm part of the problem. i realize that i have things i need to work through and deal with, and i'm fully prepared to do that. i realize it's not something that i need to do just for us, but that it's also something i've needed to do for myself for a really long time. i've been carrying around a lot of demons and i know that it is unfair of me to ask you to deal with those and your own demons. i'm taking the steps i need to make things better both for myself, and, in turn, hopefully for you, as well. we've come a really long way and we've seen a lot of things, both good and bad, and i know that's weighing on us.

i don't know what the outcome for this will be. quite honestly, i'm terrified even to know. though i know i would be okay, i also know that i've wanted my future with you from the very first day that i met you. i suppose that has made me pushy and unrelenting, and for that, i apologize. but i know i can't make you love or want me. i can't make you want your future with me. i know - even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes - that i can't make you do anything, nor would i want to. i will always love the person that you are.

if we stay together, my only hope is that we both actively try to make our relationship better. with my grad school work and our jobs, i know it's been tough. but you are such an important part of me and my life and i would be more than willing to spend more time making our relationship better and making compromises for you. all i would ask is that you would do the same. right now, all i need is to know that you care and that you're here and that you're still in this, because, quite frankly, it doesn't feel like you are anymore. if you're not, then i just need to know.

whatever the outcome, just know that i'll always love you no matter what. always have, always will, even over roaring fires at a halloween party.