because i can't stay away.

a reawakened life

a new chapter, a new life.

half of an ending letter, half of a thank you note:

i've had this blog for 9 years now. it has been with me through college, through relationships, through break-ups, through korea, and i feel like now may be the best time to let go of what was and move on to what will be. this will be for no other reason than my sanity, which, though well-preserved at the moment, has seen better days throughout the posts of this blog.

thank you to all of my friends and family who have been supporters of my writing over the years, though it has waned considerably in the past few years; i've found that it may be better to keep my personal writings in journals locked away rather than in the public sphere.

thank you to you, too - you know exactly who. thank you for breaking down my walls, the first time to foster an emotional bond and the second time to break it completely. thank you for the sleepless nights and the panic attacks and the moments where i didn't know whether i would be able to hold my tears back at work. thanks for pushing me to my breaking point and allowing me to understand how much i needed outside help. you were the most painful catalyst i think i've ever had, but from the experience, i've learned some of the best lessons.

i still have bad days. some days i'm walking around at work or at school and i have a small thought that reminds me of you and sometimes it feels like the end of the world and sometimes i smile. some days i drink and have thoughts of screaming at you for being such a... it doesn't matter that much now, does it? some days i still have trouble falling asleep because you've been engraved in my memory like an inscription on an ancient stone...

but i get through them, and that's the most important part. every time i start to get sad or i start to feel like things won't be okay again, i just remember that i'm still alive and that most days, i'm really incredibly happy. i've found that i have one of the best support systems in the world - both old and new friends - but that i'm also fully capable of supporting myself. i have a job that i enjoy going to every day and students whose perspectives i look forward to understanding.

thanks for the nightmares and the haunting visions of you with another person - reminders that the past stays in the past for a reason. thanks for never letting my friends or my family in - that really made the transition much easier. thanks for reminding me that people often suggest that they are dependable and then do the exact opposite, thus teaching one of the most influential life lessons of all: in the end, the only person you can depend upon is yourself.

this all comes out a bit sarcastic and rude, but the reality is that i'm actually thanking you for this. i lived in a dream world with you for four years - we had our issues, yes, but for the most part we were blissfully happy (or at least i was - i now question that you ever were). the reality is that life is not blissfully happy and that things that seem like heaven often aren't heaven. with that comes the heavy realization that the "princess" love story that is often fantasized about is not actually ever a reality - i honestly thought that that was my situation, but that all came crumbling apart at the beginning of this year.

i've always said that i sit through a death a year, and though the year isn't over yet, i guess the situation really was a death - the death of an illusion, the death of dependency, the birth of a new reality. i'm happy with my new reality. my new reality often consists of doing anything and everything that i like, and is also filled with a new awareness of toxic relationships, friendship and otherwise, which potentially saved me from a lot of emotional distress in the past month.

the reality is that i occasionally miss you, and then i realize that it's more likely that i don't actually miss you - to be fair, i'm not even positive i know who the real you ever was - but that i missed the moments we had because, to be fair, we had some wonderful moments. being without you, though, has proven to me that i am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and accepting responsibility for myself. what i once thought was a curse has turned into a beautiful, beautiful blessing.

i've been clinging to this idea of closure recently, which has caused me to backslide a lot on my strong grounding, but i had a realization today that even though i feel like i need closure and answers, i will so rarely get those answers. my need for understanding runs deep, but maybe that's just my next journey: realizing that even though i was given no explanation for the progression of events, that doesn't mean that i have to continue searching for them. sometimes we have to learn to shut the book even if we don't understand the ending, especially if there are no pages left to turn.

with that, i'm closing the cover on you, westsideangst. thanks for a great 9 years. here's to the future: cincinnati, colombia in december, korea next year, and a masters degree... life has never looked so beautiful.

bad memories:

scared, alone, anxious
possibility: illness

reach out
return:
don't call, i'm at work

blatant memory:
standing four feet away
from where you should have been
place empty
but full of lies.

ellipsis vs. period, part II

period:
an era
a full stop
a time

ellipsis:
continuation
something left unsaid
story unfinished

fight between period
(situation)
and ellipsis
(me)

i: i will always continue
to move forward
even in the moment
of important things
left unsaid

situation:
read through the lines
mind hoping,
grasping
for something that is not there

lie:
two steps back
situation revealed
blinders removed
projecting guilt
i step back

three steps
four steps
door is closing

ellipsis vs period

sentences:

one ending in periods

the other

infinitely in ellipses

one: ending

the other: beginning

destiny carried

on the shoulders

of three tiny dots

where do i begin

and where do i end?

somewhere between

fingers tracing the curves of letters,

making sense 

of cryptic messages

smoke signals,

hay stacks,

morse code,

hieroglyphics:

spending moments

working out the discrepancies

between reality

and a beautiful lie. 

wish:

this morning
the bracelet broke

relief
shoulders drop forward
heart raises to realize:

what will be will be
my understanding
is not necessary

dear frayed blue ribbon,
senhor do bonfim:
thank you for teaching me
my greatest lesson:

life is not mine to move.
i am not the puppetmaster.
i am only a single fleck
waiting to be moved
by the waves
of this world's giant storm

now return
to mountain pose.
strong feet, steady posture
arms to the sky:
body falling forward,
but heart always, always leading
before the mind

writer's bed:

my bed has become a writer's bed again.

books, journals, pens
spread amongst the overturned
underturned sheets
crinkled from last night's sleep

pages opened
highlighted
(never dog-eared)
to important bits

relearning
the way it feels to watch flames
dance on the white of the walls
toes digging in to warm sheets

relearning
this identity that is my own
recreating,
rebuilding,
renewing

remembering

down the rabbit hole:

i saw it last night in a dream.

imagine:
a little girl, around 9 or 10, in this large, dilapidated house
with water sneaking through its baseboards
every time it rains

this little girl?
she's sitting at the top of carpeted stairs,
looking down,
staring in to the aquarium at the base,
but only hearing the screams

and the slamming doors
following the footsteps of her mother
bags packed,
keys in hand

this isn't the first time
and it won't be the last time
and here the little girl will be,
wondering if she'll be left behind

as the car drives away
the little girl settles her head in to her knees
wondering
what she possibly could have done
to have made her stay

damage:
years later, in a dream
replay:
this time, the little girl sees her life
all grown up

her home, her bed, her dogs, her love
but she does not see herself
her mother, instead,
in her place:
yelling, screaming, throwing,
beating, crying, begging

her heart:
how painful an image
to see
the vicious cycle
play out in front of me

realization:
our environment
does not dictate
our choices

silent mornings:

bundled in,
morning silently slipping through
the cracks in the blinds
where disaster remains tangible:
slammed doors, angry words

silent morning
wrapped in the comforts
of a warm security blanket
through those doors,
reality, but for right now,
fantasy

no struggles
no pain
no anger
no resentment
no problems

for now,
quiet in the wake
of turmoil

for now,
a reprieve from the trials
of living

quiet room reading:

reflection:
a place left for scars,
consequential, judgmental, painful
scars

overanalyzing overanalyst
every moment tracked through my brain waves
you: nonexistent,
gone cold,
tuned out,
running
me: remembering,
biolumniscence,
bamboo rafts,
favorite poems

nights riding in the bumblebee
stars fading aimlessly overhead
words falling out of our mouth
fast forward:
silence, you
giving your words to everyone else

me:
writer's block, failing words
anger, hatred, irrationality
pain in my voice as i speak
tears slipping down

one second: anger
next second: come back

i'll be happy
when i can sleep in this room
without watching your ghost
glide around its carpeted floors

a wishlist:

i just want you to try. i want you to try for us because we have a good foundation and because we've been through so much together already.

i want you to try because i believe in us and i believe that we could have a better future.

i want you to try because i realize that i was at fault for a good bit of this, and because i'm willing to make the necessary changes for our relationship.

i want you to try because i gave you the space you needed and wanted. i went through a hell of a week - most of it productive and good for me - so that we could figure things out.

i want you to try because i've been what you wanted for the past four years, and i don't understand how that can change in an instant.

i want you to try because i want you. i want us. i want our life, our dogs, our tiny house. i want all of it.

i miss:

1. i miss those days that we'd rush home from work or from school just to be with each other, even if it were only for a few minutes
2. i miss those days that you'd beg me to come to lowe's so i could see you for a minute and bring you a drink
3. i miss those days that you'd come to the library and stay at the desk and talk to me, even if it were only for a few minutes - they always made my day
4. i miss those days that we'd take car rides together and you'd wrap your fingers in mine
5. i miss curling up next to you in bed and hearing your voice
6. i miss meeting for lunch
7. i miss sleeping in and not wanting to get up because you were next to me
8. i miss the sweetness in your voice when you'd flirt with me or tell me you loved me
9. i miss doing things together
10. i miss sweet morning texts and texts about my day
11. i miss feeling like i can text you and not having to worry about how you'll react

i just miss a lot and it's really hitting hard right now...

understanding:

i get it. i understand. i know why you need space.

i'm letting you go. i'm hoping you'll come back.

memories:

you, lying next
to me
sleeping
like the morning
will never come

like the sun
will never infiltrate
your 
fire worm sea 
eyes, glowing

bioluminescent lights
bringing color
to my 
otherwise colorless
world: 

the way your
chest carries like
the tide across
sandcastles,
proving

the second law
of thermodynamics -
that we were 
meant towards
entropy,

everything with 
a beginning
must also
have an
ending, 

but you -
you are the
beginning
i'd like to see
an ending

with,
the bamboo
raft in the
Mississippi 
i'd like to

travel endlessly,
the maze of
golden
sunflowers
i'd enjoy

finding out. 
strange how
things like this
come from
the smallest

of motions,
like the movement
of breath
from toe
to head,

like the sound
of a smile
running free
in your
sleep

the three r's

"retreat, retreat, retreat," she said,
galloping swiftly past me,
"the greater enemy is rounding the corner,
and it is ready to seize your every atom,
leaving nothing left,"

retreat, retreat, retreat, i did,
but not quickly enough -
the greater enemy consumed me,
thorny vines wrapping around my wrists,
squeezing me tightly,
breathing constricted
until there was no breath left -

retreat, retreat, retreat, i should have -
the fear had filled me from the start
one day we all knew
the castle would come crumbling
to its heart

retreat, retreat, retreat,
but now it is too late
the life i had has disappeared
and all that is left
are the ruins for display

__________ __________ into my work:

present tense gradually shifting to past
open wounds, bleeding, crawling down my arm
usurping every ability to think rationally
requiring time spent to be exasperating
inside me, organs churning
nothing to soothe, nothing to calm
gaining misfortune at every step

making sure you twist deeper in to my side
youth draining, pain seizing
solitude comes at such a lofty price
even though it was your every desire
leaving behind something certain
for the thrill of something new

an open letter to you that you will probably never read:

it's been a really long time since i've written here.

nearly four years ago (on february 24th, i suppose), you told me that you read my blog religiously, that you had followed my words and enjoyed them. i had never been so overjoyed to be with someone like you - so romantic and kind, funny and sweet - and i loved everything you were. loved, i guess, is a bad term; i still love everything you are, even in this messy predicament we're in.

what predicament is that? i don't really know. i feel like i'm trying to navigate through a pitch-black tunnel that i have never been in before, and my heart is consistently plunging in to the depths of my stomach. i've never here, especially not with someone who i've always felt so totally in sync with. it's like all in one week, i've lost one of my closest friends and the person i was so looking forward to having a future with. from my perspective, you've gone cold - you stare at me with apathy and seem so uncompelled to do anything or to make a movement or to say anything. i've never seen you like this, and it scares me so much.

i realize that i'm part of the problem. i realize that i have things i need to work through and deal with, and i'm fully prepared to do that. i realize it's not something that i need to do just for us, but that it's also something i've needed to do for myself for a really long time. i've been carrying around a lot of demons and i know that it is unfair of me to ask you to deal with those and your own demons. i'm taking the steps i need to make things better both for myself, and, in turn, hopefully for you, as well. we've come a really long way and we've seen a lot of things, both good and bad, and i know that's weighing on us.

i don't know what the outcome for this will be. quite honestly, i'm terrified even to know. though i know i would be okay, i also know that i've wanted my future with you from the very first day that i met you. i suppose that has made me pushy and unrelenting, and for that, i apologize. but i know i can't make you love or want me. i can't make you want your future with me. i know - even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes - that i can't make you do anything, nor would i want to. i will always love the person that you are.

if we stay together, my only hope is that we both actively try to make our relationship better. with my grad school work and our jobs, i know it's been tough. but you are such an important part of me and my life and i would be more than willing to spend more time making our relationship better and making compromises for you. all i would ask is that you would do the same. right now, all i need is to know that you care and that you're here and that you're still in this, because, quite frankly, it doesn't feel like you are anymore. if you're not, then i just need to know.

whatever the outcome, just know that i'll always love you no matter what. always have, always will, even over roaring fires at a halloween party.