a thief detests the criminal

years of living can be harmful to one's body - but even more so to one's brain.


life being what it is, we all dream of revenge.

the knife

what you do? completely expected.

i think i had every reason to be worried. you have a lot of things you need to work out. i'll still be here.

and you, you knew the hands of the devil
and you, kept us awake with wolf's teeth
sharing different heartbeats
in one night

"it will never be easy to
tell the truth when the
truth is accepting what comes
easiest to us --" and you
paused (for effect) and it took
everything i had not to spill
my zealous heart to you.

the bass
played true
heart beats
playing
over the
sound of
colors
swimming
under
neath us

your hands have heartbeats
calling me towards you
your hands have a pulse
and my blood is running cold.
these velvet drapes leave
nothing to be hidden -

except
here, what
is in
my so
zealous
heart that
i hide
deli
cately
for pride

it would be just my
luck to surrender under
heartbeats on this
vibrating dance floor -
bass lines pushing forward
to break
my
spine

mainframe

your stomach growled under pressure
from my fingertips etching further
into the plasticities that made
up the fragile inner heart:
making me laugh in retrospect
when your heartbeat grazed the
intricate, detailed fingerprint lines making
the heart of fragile existence:

that fragile existence not being
mine, but ours, together, collectively,
the textbook definition of us
colliding together with pictures and
words, grasping at theories and
ideas not yet widely known

(if i had to write
an encyclopedia definition of your
laugh, it'd take the whole
alphabet just to dissect the
small parts, and the numerical
system to analyze your heart -

so when you utter just
one word from those soft,
sweet lips of yours, honey
i am dangling on the
tips of them, falling precisely
at every second of sanity
that could be lost in
this game you delicately play)

skyscrapers were just buildings before
they met us, but now
they are reduced to rubble
despite their grandiose, overused fame;
and we take their place,
larger than life on our
pedestals, just waiting for the
bomb to erupt inside our
mainframe

one thousand ninety-six

I

one: must seemed to been
three years; been here before
the sun rose at five

and at sixteen she lost
it, the seventh wonder,
trailing her with regret 'til
eighteen where she

curled up on the cold tiles
[didn't find her 'til nine
by then, was too late
to resuscitate]

t.o.d.: ten:ten pm

II

from the window, top story
brought out beneath blue blankets
we watched despite our horror
of what happens to little
girls who know no better

"it's a shame," newscasters reported
on the morning news, coffee
cups clinking on the breakfast
bar where condolences spread like
some rapid infection

and tears caught in the
tugs of her aging skin;
the only thing she had
left taken by the inability
to respect someone else's body

III

barely decorated cube of fabric
in the middle of commotion
that never seemed to end,
in the middle a head
too heavy to pick up

little white dots trailing internally
the indiscernible path of smiling
caplets washed down with the
dark lager of devil's fame

wonders how life could be
reduced to such a shameless
reproduction of careful chemistry work
intricately placed beneath our tongues

IV

grew up humbly, in houses
that were never my own
with bullet wounds placed between
his eyes, blood vessels snapping

to compensate the hate that
fell behind the finger's trigger
and the arm that pulled
that illusive, immortal life line

where jump ropes used to
smack black pavement in rhythm
falls white chalk, running right
in line with blood trails

V

and you laugh in my
face.. of all the places
you could have hurt me,
of course you know me

well enough to chose the
spot that hurts the most:
that's what you were always
good at, the pain that

burns in my blood when
i could only feel cold
(and one thousand ninety-six
miles to go, but only

one thousand ninety-five
will get me closer to
your frozen heart that stays
in limbo between being your

favorite secret and your worst
regret)

ellipsis

crystalline patterns making notes in
the surface of this baby blue dream:
singing to me, silently, the way you
used to, lips parted, barely showing

every part of this habitual paradise
is reminiscent of your dim features

when did this begin? transversely
will this ever have a happy ending
and the diamonds fall from the sky
clinking as they hit the concrete beneath

i erase every part of you, your
words that stay in my heart, burning
like the fire you torched the red
petals with after prom night

(i am that country road, dark like
death, but illuminated like heaven
pulling together sounds, smells,
lights, burnt ends and tires

and you are the big city street
i intersect with, the crashing noise
of wheels versus pavement versus
your heart versus my heart versus

the rain that falls eloquently beneath my feet)

"i know i am an asshole, but
i hope you would never stop
being my friend ..." - but now
i leave the ellipsis to you

snd

there are a million things running through my mind and not a single one of them tell me how to phrase this the "right way".

see.. the past few days my heart has been on some serious overdrive, the kind where you're wondering if it's about to explode or if it's just trying to test your limits. a little recap:

sunday: beating with rage. the pounding kind that makes you want to clench your fist together in an attempt to beat anything you see. mostly out of pride than out of anger..the kind of anger i didn't think i had felt in a long time, but somehow, some way you pulled it out of me. i cried at work, in front of my callous boss (who i never intended to show anything but content apathy to). the next day i took my anger and channeled it straight into weights and running.
monday: after the endorphins wore off, i laid in bed until two am in a nervous wreck of sorts. it wasn't until you texted me and told me you had woken up because you felt as if there were something wrong with me that i realized the decision i made - what i said - was something i would never regret. no matter what the consequences were. that type of love? that's something that's irreplaceable. and if that's something you dislike so damn much, then maybe you weren't really my friend in the first place.

'cause see - sometimes i do shit that i know i shouldn't. sometimes i don't look before i leap. but neither do you. i have tried being supportive, and i'm sorry if that wasn't enough.

i'll never know with you. ever. i've been put in that situation so many times and had it turn out badly that i just can't risk my heart like that anymore. don't talk to me like i don't understand - honey, i've seen more things than you think i have, a lot more things than you could even comprehend yourself, and vice versa i'm sure. i just can't handle the pain anymore. there has to be a final say or i'll draw it myself.