wishful thinking much?

lloyd doppler, how i wish that you were real.



how many of them really know what they want, though? i mean, a lot of them think they have to know, right? but inside they don't really know, so... i don't know, but i know that i don't know.

we are gods!

a trip to the (already normally horrendous) mall on the friday before christmas (a bad idea in itself. in reality, driving/walking/breathing should be avoided a month prior to christmas) is, as i've probably already stated in the massive parenthesis i chose to bombard my sentence with, a HORRIBLE IDEA.


no, really. horrible. if you're reading this, and you're about to brave the determined-mom shuffle, i hope you take my words into consideration and atleast, for your own sake, wear a fully-padded body suit.


possibly the most intriguing part about adventures in the mall at christmastime are the vast array of people who, suddenly, come out of the woodwork and inhabit the mall for those few, brief, pushy hours. my eyes caught everything from your typical do-gooder mom (you know the type. a pair of khakis ironed to perfection, a button-down shirt tucked neatly into the khakis, not a strand of hair out of place, and 20+ bags placed effortlessly balanced on both arms) to the trying-to-look-innocent-for-Christmas stripper (where did she get money for those thigh-highs?). somewhere in between that spectrum came the I-don't-want-to-grow-old mom (botox included free of charge!), the dad that was dragged along and was making every second hell for the party involved, and the grandmother who was completely and totally confounded by the technology that she refused to enter brookstone.


(and then there were a couple of us. the observers... you could make them out in the middle of the crowd. looking down from the 2nd floor at the stripper who was casually flirting with the AT&T guy in the middle of the food court. smiling at the little girl who just plopped down in the middle of the floor and refused to walk anymore, despite her parent's prying.)


somewhere in between all of this i picked up a gift or two. i don't know why people interest me so much... but they do. it's probably mostly because when i look at someone, i'm imagining something more. a life story of dark, dirty, twisty life turns and changes. wedding pictures and kids born out of wedlock...


(i don't understand why any family would want to act like their lives are perfect. why have so much pride in the falsity that your life is boring?)

paper tigers

carrie brownstein has her own npr website. thus, everyone should read it and obsessively talk about it until she dies, because carrie brownstein is the epitome of a female rock goddess (with the exception, of course, of the ever-loved courtney love) with firm standings and, yes i'm saying it, a beautiful face. you can check it out here.

i am asking for three things this christmas, and they are:



(trail running shoes)


there is so much i could say but so little that i want to say.

conversations with other women

with the tap-tap-tap down the cement stairs leading up to my house, the feet that guide me open my eyes up to possibilities: ms. edna's christmas lights hanging around the frame of her house on the far side, the clacking of a girl's heels against the pavement, the rustling of leaves on the playground lot.

and the breeze is so still here, yet so present. i wonder how something so insignificant can have such a powerful presence.

we could take a thousand walks and laugh all day

i find it to be magical. i feel like i'm lovin' you in 1963.. flowers in my hair, little bitty hearts upon my cheek. baby, you'll be on my mind 'till i kiss you next time.




(rachael yamagata, i fucking love you.)

clearly procrastinating at this point

(this is the longest i've been online in months.)


open itunes, hit shuffle, have fun.

opening credits: horses - the be good tanyas
waking up: la terrasse - yann tiersen
average day - i can smell the leaves - the olivia tremor control
first date - love will keep us alive - the eagles
falling in love - long way around - greg laswell
love scene - the drinks we drank last night - azure ray
fight scene - spiders (kidsmoke) - wilco
breaking up - pictures of success - rilo kiley
getting back together - my best friend - jefferson airplane
secret love - all the trees of the fields will clap their hands - sufjan stevens
life's okay - stargazer - siouxsie and the banshees
mental breakdown - bucky little wing - islands
driving - reunion - stars
learning a lesson - chump change - new pornographers
deep thought - leavin' here - pearl jam
flashback - don't let it get you down - spoon
partying - world town - m.i.a. (perfect haha)
happy dance - billy breathes - phish
regretting - don't look back - luscious jackson
long night alone - extra-ordinary - dressy bessy
death scene - breathe (extended mix) - telepopmusik
closing credits - it's too late - 7 year bitch

je t'aime.

my sleep patterns are off and i am tired, so none of this may make any sense, but:

i think your naivety is cute. adorable, even. adorable to the point where i believe (foolishly) that you are innocent and unassuming, though everything i've known of you has been deceitful and mysterious. my dream this morning was nothing new. your hand cradling my face and my candles blazing bright in the morning air that seeps through my window. the flames cast dancing shadows against james dean's face but all i could see was yours. cuddled nose-to-nose underneath the security of my warm blankets, and i cannot feel anything but your hand -- your thumb running across my jawline and mine across the subtle life lines that make up your body.

(fiona apple's "slow like honey" is playing softly on my stereo system, her voice as soft as the rising sun. as our bodies breathe together, sharing lungs, our hands and hearts move to the rhythm of her deep melody.)

i love this. this feeling of you, but not here.

rule #340923029203 of random drives:

"hotel california" may not be interrupted by anything or anyone.

chicago

if i was crying
in the van, with my friend
it was for freedom
from myself and from the land

to be alone with you

there is a point in which deliriousness crosses over into full-blown dementia. that point is right now.

we were moving fast
gently over the
crystallized pieces on the
tips of the blades of grass
in this freezing cold weather
and nothing can suffice --

for these five am drives
for these three am movies
for these one am laughs
for these eleven pm grins
for these nine pm buzzes

for this: for all of this
for "casimir pulaski day"
and mary jane's last dance

and one day all this conversation will be worthless
but we'll hope it isn't so. the deep wounds will be healed
the laughter will be forgotten the smells forgiven
the girls, the boys that we yearned for
that left us broken here, here in my room

the time passes so quickly when you can't see the clock:
fragmented shards of bottomless charts
medicated by law and fed by the government
religion and politics taking the wheel
in this one-man show and this three-car accident

samson & delilah

i loved you first. :(

i can see clearly now.

i feel as if i'm back in my sophomore year of high school.

the only difference, however, is that here, you're supposed to be on a path to growing up. at some point through this incredulous journey, i managed to grow down (imagine that); my naivety led me to talk shit about other people purely to "fit in".

never, ever lower yourself to that level. to that standard which says, "to be this or this, you must do this."

i blame myself only for the actions that others will take against me. part of it was, purely, venting. the other part i have no excuse for.

as for the rest of you... let it be. let this life be wonderful and let it be that people live the way they want to. you have proven me wrong, those that i once said ANYTHING about. you learn who your true friends are, and i'm so so so SO sorry for everything i've done (purely to "fit in". if this is the "fit in" life, i'd rather have none of you as friends).

end of the end of the end

i will never, EVER be that girl that hangs around you because i think i can't get anything better.


i KNOW i can get better than you. i know i deserve more than you. and you know what? i will get what's best for me, you elitist snob.