snd

there are a million things running through my mind and not a single one of them tell me how to phrase this the "right way".

see.. the past few days my heart has been on some serious overdrive, the kind where you're wondering if it's about to explode or if it's just trying to test your limits. a little recap:

sunday: beating with rage. the pounding kind that makes you want to clench your fist together in an attempt to beat anything you see. mostly out of pride than out of anger..the kind of anger i didn't think i had felt in a long time, but somehow, some way you pulled it out of me. i cried at work, in front of my callous boss (who i never intended to show anything but content apathy to). the next day i took my anger and channeled it straight into weights and running.
monday: after the endorphins wore off, i laid in bed until two am in a nervous wreck of sorts. it wasn't until you texted me and told me you had woken up because you felt as if there were something wrong with me that i realized the decision i made - what i said - was something i would never regret. no matter what the consequences were. that type of love? that's something that's irreplaceable. and if that's something you dislike so damn much, then maybe you weren't really my friend in the first place.

'cause see - sometimes i do shit that i know i shouldn't. sometimes i don't look before i leap. but neither do you. i have tried being supportive, and i'm sorry if that wasn't enough.

i'll never know with you. ever. i've been put in that situation so many times and had it turn out badly that i just can't risk my heart like that anymore. don't talk to me like i don't understand - honey, i've seen more things than you think i have, a lot more things than you could even comprehend yourself, and vice versa i'm sure. i just can't handle the pain anymore. there has to be a final say or i'll draw it myself.