mix in a little passion.

i tried, okay? and i couldn't explain it like you wanted me to, and i was stuck vulnerable (yet AGAIN - seems like this is a common theme between you and i), head over a piece of paper that will remain blank, unlike this blog which i wish i could fill up with wretched things... which i will not allow myself to.

life is so fleeting. if there's anything i know, that's it. i've had enough people taken away from me from six years old on and i know how it feels to be completely lost, like you can't breathe, because you've lost a certain person that you feel you absolutely need in your life. i know how that felt when i lost her, when i lost him, when i lost them. it's the hardest thing i ever went through in my life, sitting on that white swing and pretending like everything was going to be okay. and the branch broke and smack-dap-bam right on the top of my head and i wondered why - if HE was there - that HE would let this happen to me.

par for the course, right? part of life. therefore, this was my lesson, and the lesson i will share with you. life sucks. there will be parts that are redeeming but there will also be parts that will rip your heart to shreds. you can't complain about them, you can't feel isolated (even though you will) because everyone has to go through it.

yes. right then and there, i said religion isn't for me. it took me a couple of years to know that i meant it - but for all the wrong reasons. that's a personal matter, one that i will not entrust in you until you understand some vital things about me:

a. yes, i'm quiet, but that's something you need to respect at times. i grew up an only child, raised around adults, and i learned very quickly that my mind responds to my own quiet thinking times and my own loud outbursts. my friends know how to draw it out of me. if you want to know, you'll learn.

b. i am stubborn as hell when it comes to what i want. and i'm not talking about what i want in reference to something i can buy. i'm talking about my future, not even my career, but that i'm determined to make something of myself. i've seen enough people fail in the past and i'm not being cold-hearted when i say this, but yeah i'm having fun with my life and i need it void of the stupid drama certain relationships will put in my life. that being said, if you think you're going to step in between and my path, think again.. i will push you right back off.

c. i will love hard, fast, passionately. that's the type of person i am. if my heart beats for you it will beat ardently in one direction. i'm loyal to a fault, romantic to the core, and dedicated to someone else's happiness if it suits right.

d. i'm the most carefree person otherwise. completely laid-back, apathetic towards most petty vices and problems.

so laugh if you want to, get mad if you want to, leave if you want to. but if there's anything that i'll know, i'll know that i left knowing i did the best that i could. and that's all that matters.