just while i'm thinking about it..

a little honesty never hurt, right? so barring all consequences, i'll fess up to how i really feel. i miss you. i miss your tattoos and the 3 am conversations and beating you in air hockey (because i really am just that ballin') and in a way, almost how you'd look at me unbelievingly when i said something ridiculously stupid (like takka burns. i realize all vodka burns, but takka is on it's own disgusting level).

you intimidated me in ways you could never understand. two years older than i and your life experiences were far advanced. a good percent of the time, i felt vulnerable beneath your hand.. and the more i thought about you and i the more i freaked a little and felt a little more inadequate. yeah, it's true i didn't come from a sheltered home.. living with ultra liberal hippy parents is not code word for it by any means. but still, the fact that i couldn't relate made me hesitant. i wanted to believe you were extremely genuine..

but in a dog eat dog world where i used to throw trust around, i've learned that not everyone would treat me with the loyalty that i'd treat them... and i'm sorry, but i had you pegged as one of those people.

so i ran. to someone else, far away from you, because i thought (and still do) that you were just pushing my limits. check plus for a lesson towards maturity.. my confidence levels were severely lacking. i didn't believe, therefore i could not do. my own fault. before you i had dated one person for three/four years, and had pulled the plug on such merely three months earlier; had gone on dates and had been interested in several people but always went back to that really-bad-for-me relationship (my fault, every single time. first loves, you know?). you solidified that i never needed to go back to that, even though i had decided it for myself... c always used to tell me that no one would love me. i was unloveable (obviously not). i guess i never got to tell you that...

now you won't talk to me and i probably deserve that. but i do miss you.. your dolly parton obsession, love for coffee, mysterious smile.. i think of you everytime i see that orange bracelet (yea, i still have it. yea, i still wear it). maybe it's dumb to dwell.. but i think it's better to admit my fallacies.