an open letter to you that you will probably never read:

it's been a really long time since i've written here.

nearly four years ago (on february 24th, i suppose), you told me that you read my blog religiously, that you had followed my words and enjoyed them. i had never been so overjoyed to be with someone like you - so romantic and kind, funny and sweet - and i loved everything you were. loved, i guess, is a bad term; i still love everything you are, even in this messy predicament we're in.

what predicament is that? i don't really know. i feel like i'm trying to navigate through a pitch-black tunnel that i have never been in before, and my heart is consistently plunging in to the depths of my stomach. i've never here, especially not with someone who i've always felt so totally in sync with. it's like all in one week, i've lost one of my closest friends and the person i was so looking forward to having a future with. from my perspective, you've gone cold - you stare at me with apathy and seem so uncompelled to do anything or to make a movement or to say anything. i've never seen you like this, and it scares me so much.

i realize that i'm part of the problem. i realize that i have things i need to work through and deal with, and i'm fully prepared to do that. i realize it's not something that i need to do just for us, but that it's also something i've needed to do for myself for a really long time. i've been carrying around a lot of demons and i know that it is unfair of me to ask you to deal with those and your own demons. i'm taking the steps i need to make things better both for myself, and, in turn, hopefully for you, as well. we've come a really long way and we've seen a lot of things, both good and bad, and i know that's weighing on us.

i don't know what the outcome for this will be. quite honestly, i'm terrified even to know. though i know i would be okay, i also know that i've wanted my future with you from the very first day that i met you. i suppose that has made me pushy and unrelenting, and for that, i apologize. but i know i can't make you love or want me. i can't make you want your future with me. i know - even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes - that i can't make you do anything, nor would i want to. i will always love the person that you are.

if we stay together, my only hope is that we both actively try to make our relationship better. with my grad school work and our jobs, i know it's been tough. but you are such an important part of me and my life and i would be more than willing to spend more time making our relationship better and making compromises for you. all i would ask is that you would do the same. right now, all i need is to know that you care and that you're here and that you're still in this, because, quite frankly, it doesn't feel like you are anymore. if you're not, then i just need to know.

whatever the outcome, just know that i'll always love you no matter what. always have, always will, even over roaring fires at a halloween party.