good morning, sunshine.

my hands, my arms, my fingers are chapped. flaky, disgusting, pale. i hate the effects of winter on my skin; it's like as soon as the trees and plants start to die, so do my skin cells. i've heard this is only natural, but i (for some pessimistic reason) believe that the human race is made up of nothing more than cynics who like to believe life only throws bad things towards them. perhaps i'm wrong, but.. you never know.

i feel like i trust people too easily, and maybe not enough sometimes. there is no medium with me. and sometimes people i should trust i don't, and vice versa, but it's all such a confusing concept to me to begin with. trust is just another way to get stabbed, but without it, we'd be screwed right? it's lose-lose no matter which way you look at it.

i guess they're right. the boys. when they said that girls have two languages: reality and opposites. when we say "no" and really mean "yes", or when we say "no" and actually mean "no". i can understand the confusion, because i can barely comprehend what goes on inside of my head sometimes, so how could anyone else?

(it snowed in pulaski today. and somewhere in between moping and whining over my dry skin, i twirled around underneath the speckled falling sky and caught a few on my tongue, on my eyelashes, on my lips. all i could think was, when i look up, are they looking down on me? are they smiling like i'm smiling. because when i look up all i feel is warmth, like it used to feel when you'd give me a hug before i left. those long, soft hugs that i always loved and would come back for several times. i always wondered what his hugs really felt like. they keep telling me that i'm like him in so many ways, and i know he's my father and all, but it's hard to figure out how you could be so much like someone who you were barely around before they crossed over.)

it never occured to me until tonight how much i might miss them on the day that i'd want nothing more than to share this with them. would i even be here, on my bed at martin, had things worked differently? would i have known the amazing people who have opened me up and allowed me to be who i am today? what would i be like? it's an impossible question to answer, so i won't even try. but i will say that it'd be pretty nice to know. (regardless, i think i'm better off the way i am.)